Diary heart

I don’t know how to write anything to you or about you without sounding like a child. I loved you like a child so I suppose this makes sense. We were never a labyrinth. I wrote a poem about you and put it on the internet without mentioning that I wrote it just because I wanted to see if anyone would ask who did. They did ask! I told 1 person I wrote it to see how I would feel about that .. hated it. Immediately felt shameful and like a raging imposter; a stupid girl who has no business making art for the consumption of others! I wish I had enough ego to blind me from these feelings. What constitutes good art? I should take myself less seriously. No one is thinking about me and if they are its a passing thought. I am trying to think of myself as little as possible to move on and up from the pain of this.

Anyways.. I compared you to God thats the short of it. Well, more than compare, but I am embarrassed to admit the intensity of my feeling. Humans are fallible and You are as much God as the children I watched play on the beach on Sunday.. as much God as my least favorite or most envied person on our earth. God is the love. The feeling is born from my own creation and I am mixed on its origins; I suppose I could chalk it all up to chemical phenomenon born out of evolutionary necessity — but evolutionary necessity brings up questions itself. Zoom out further ….. necessity why? Why should anything evolve at all? Why does it all exist? Life itself! I tried to put that simply — lord knows you know how I think. Do you remember when we ate those mushrooms and the trip was bad so we sat in the courtyard in god awful outfits and with your head in my lap, I read you that Michio Kaku book? I have gone down all sorts of paths using my mind to answer these questions for my own ability to sleep soundly at night, yet only the experience of love seems to answer them.

It’s all so messy when I try to make sense of it in words. I know you know the feeling of having feelings without being able to articulate them. I can feel you without words and know you feel me this way too. I’ve never felt that intimacy before. We didn’t have much mind between us; we were all heart. This was both the reason we were together and the reason we fell apart. This life does require logic..

Selfishly, I miss the resoluteness I felt when I was in your arms. I am not soft for anyone so you were like taking a deep breath for the first time ever. Maybe that was the lesson of it all? I get to decide what the “lesson” was — you would make this all simple for me. It often takes me much longer to arrive at the same conclusion as you; it took you a sentence what it took me an hour to say. An hour is a gross understatement.. sometimes months. And now, years.

Today you told me this has to be the last time I contact you, and I had to betray that to say just a few more words because I could feel the hurt in your voice, your pacing. Funny enough (by that I mean not funny at all – but I have no choice but to laugh) I cant tell if you sounded like that because you are incapable of NOT absorbing my pain – and completely fine in your own right, or struggling with the reality of our ending as well.

God I just think too much. That’s what you always told me and I what came to believe, but maybe I just would be more suited for someone who didn’t think that about me. Maybe someone will love my both my heart and my brain — body and soul? I believe you would say Yes, Jill you deserve that. And to that I would ache at the reality that you just couldn’t give me what you believed I deserved. All I wanted you to do was to love yourself enough to allow me to love you. I wanted you to believe you were good enough — you did deserve me, you were perfect for me! See, I sound like a child. Like a 16 year old girl. Why am I so terrified to be perceived as corny and stupid? I wish I could speak in tongues about you, but its all too raw.

I wish we could sit on the beach here in Florida, eat something, absorb the sun and pretend nothing else matters at all.. pretend like we didn’t end up here, two 1 man shows.

love you forever,

Jill