sometimes I feel like God and sometimes I feel like TV static.

If you haven’t read the “start here” .. do that first. I had a hard time deciding what post #1 would entail — a brief biography of myself? A thought-piece on my opinion about global inequality? A list of books/songs/media that are presently re-invigorating my will to exist? A story from my past? A story from today? A fictional story I’ve been working on? A blog entry from my giangtic years-long archive? The overarching message here = I have been writing since I was able so I have a lot of content options. I’ve landed on something I wrote a few weeks ago. But before I get there, some ground statements.

  1. I will not be limiting myself to any particular genre.
  2. I am not committed to posting with any particular cadence. I may upload 4 posts in one day and then take a 4 week break. Who knows.
  3. If at any point in the future you happen to have any suggestions or think to yourself “wow, I would like to hear more about ___” let me know. I embody what feels like an infinity of facets, so I enjoy writing about what feels like an infinite quantity of subjects.
  4. That’s all for now. I don’t care for anything that visually resembles rules. We are anti-rules and limiting labels here.

October 8, 2022 — probably late at night

Dear public diary, 

How’s everyone doing? I turned 25 at the end of August and I have to admit I have not been off to a stellar start, but today I am reminded (in a fully embodied sense) that rain precedes blossoms (aww.. cute, well-known metaphor)

Just four days ago I wrote:

in my worst sadness I am…

boiling water evaporating into the veil 

no cable TV static

an amalgamation of flesh and bone sinking into the ether, too numb to feel the dirt breathing life back into me

or even worse

an apparition hovering over my comforter in my bedroom fortress

a hologram of myself

Sometimes I wish I tended towards anger, but I cannot will myself to feel angry about anything no matter how grave the injustice. I am a professional, solitary sad girl. I suppose the worst of it is not the pain that hurts my chest (at least I feel alive!) but the dull variety that seems to stop time in her tracks. 

Four days layter:

I wrote more, but I’ll stop there. Today I am full of hope for tomorrow and reminded that all tides rise and fall. I’ve spent hours on the phone with friends the last few days and my nose is pink from the Florida sunshine. My body feels light and life is as simple as a chance to laugh as much as humanly possible and eat cashew cheesecake in my underwear.  I don’t need to drone on today. I need to say : It’s not always that serious!!!!!! I’ve never eaten cheesecake in my underwear, but I am adding it to my list of things to do when I feel like I am disintegrating. I added the cashew bit because I need everyone to know no cows need to suffer for me to enjoy dessert. Did you know cows have best friends?

Not sharing what I find to be any sort of earth shattering art here — just a reminder that if you’re feeling like TV static.. that’s ok. It is part of being human. Be gentle with yourself.

all my heart,

Jillian

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